Tuesday, November 29, 2011

What a difference a day makes

Yesterday was chemo day and the first day of an entirely new treatment. We finished late in the afternoon and arrived home exhausted at about 5:00 p.m.

It wasn't long before I began to feel much stronger. Newly energised and much healthier.

Today has been pretty good too. Up at 6:00 a.m. Two of my sons are driving down to Knysna and I was up to pack the cooler bags. We will be joining them for over two weeks after a short flight on Thursday. Feeling well is certainly a help. The discomfort and lack of energy of just a few days ago seems to have gone - for now! The day carried on with visits to the vet, the airport, the shops, the pharmacy and the bank. My pans for a braai (barbecue) fell through because of the weather so my steaks were simply grilled.

The boys have stopped for the night at Graaf Reinet, about four hour away from the destination. Tomorrow we must ach and prepare whatever we need for the trip.

Knysna is in the Western Cape, on the famous garden route. It lies on a lagoon, the entrance of which is maked by enormous heads. Photos will follow. I am also looking forward to exploring the elephant park and other places of interest in the area.

What a difference a few hours have made to the way that I feel! I just hope it continues.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

A long, tough week

A tough week. Discomfort in the abdomen, poor digestion and bloatedness. On Wednesday I arrived for my chemo and did the blood tests. Then we waited for ages. The doctor apologized, he wanted time to talk and had to get through the chemo patients first. The marker had changed significantly, so the next step was an ultrasound scan.

Two people did the scan. The most significant result was that the lesions in the liver had grown, but they were still in the liver.

Back to the doctor, and a new treatment beginning tomorrow. Now I must hope that the new treatment will be effective. It seems that for four months the previous treatment kept my condition stable, so it worked for a while. Now I can feel the lesions. After the podding during the scan they became quite painful.

So here I am hoping that I'll be reenergised again and that the discomfort will go.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

side-effects, energy and more

Fell into bed last night exhausted at about 11:30. 75 minutes later I decided to get out of bad and watch some TV. All that I could find was a third rate movie called Gloria starring Sharon Stone. It did manage to hold my attention for the next 105 minutes. Sleep followed.

Slept in a little late this morning, but not enough to compensate for the lost hours. Still, I felt energised and managed a number of activities until my stomach began to feel very queasy. This is one of the major side effects of the chemo tablet that I have. Luckily, it doesn't happen often and when it does I am allowed Imodium. Spent the rest of my day and evening with my stomach cramping.

A small price to pay for stabilised pancreas cancer!

When I picked up the iPad half an hour ago, I was notified that an iOS 5 upgrade had been downloaded and was ready to install. I went ahead. Then I tested the Blogger publish button. It worked! Weeks of frustration over. Hence this quick post! Let's see if it works again.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Chemotherapy over for this week


I went straight to the lab when we arrived at the oncology centre this morning. The nurse filled a number of bottles with blood and then it was back to the waiting room. then there was a long wait. My blood results lay on the counter while the reception staff waited for them.

The doctor was very happy with me. All my bloods were good and all indications are that my condition is stable. Let it continue along that path!

All sorts of people come to the centre. Today there was an Italian couple. The husband was there for support and their young daughter popped in for about an hour. The patient had no hair but seemed happy with her loving family around her.

Sometimes we get to talk to the other patients, at other times we keep to our selves. Most patients have someone there for support. Often it is the spouse, sometimes the mother or father, sometimes daughters or sons. Sometimes a friend. Very few come for chemotherapy on their own. It is something that seems to draw in the families.

Being warm and summery the French doors are open onto the lovely garden. Some people sit at the outdoor tables eating their lunch. A woman nearby had reason to celebrate - her cancer count was down by half.

The chemotherapy is not something to be dreaded, rather looked forward to. For me, it is something that will be part of my life for years to come.

on a slightly different note


Did I overstate my case? I know that I am not the only person that objects to using the terminology of terminal illness. The phrase has a decidedly deathly ring to it. When you have a terminal illness you are going to die. Everything until that point is just a wait for death. Even though I am more likely to die from this cancer than from any other cause, I could live for another ten years or more. No one knows.

In any event, writing about the issue certainly put an end to being upset.

My son believes that the psychologist wanted me to face the fact that I am going to die. At some point in the session I told him (the psychologist) that you could only face death when it happens. I don't think he agreed.

Days later. The tiredness and low energy that lasted till the weekend seems to have gone. Yesterday managed shopping, saw a movie - 50:50, managed some shopping and a meeting in the evening.

50:50 was an interesting film. Unfortunately we had to shiver in a very cold cinema while the temperature outside touched 35 degrees Celcius (why can't I find a degree symbol on the iPad?). The film is about a young guy that gets cancer. Interesting in part with a Hollywood decreed happy ending. There was much that we could relate to though.

I bought a pack of hand sanitisers! Something that I would have rejected as bordering on paranoia not so long ago. I keep them to wipe my hands when I have had to shake lots of people's hands. In my book this is not recommended for normal people. Just for the likes of me who have become prone to infection through chemotherapy. One guy was clearly sick with a streaming nose. I refused to shake his hand.

So I have been feeling strong once again. Tomorrow it's time for chemotherapy. That is a positive thing. I feel energised for a few days until the fatigue sets in. Perhaps it is the cortisone that makes all that energy available. The doctor says that my condition is stable. Another positive. No need for me to focus on dying!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Turbulence .... terminal illness


The night is hot. I have been tossing and turning, my mind working through issues.

Something that seems to have upset me was Thursday morning's counselling session. During the course of the hour long session, the psychologist referred to me having a 'terminal illness' at least a dozen times. I don't believe that the use of this terminology is helpful. For one thing, I am trying to beat this thing. Then he came back to my prognosis. The Oncology Centre does not give a prognosis "because we don't know" as they put it.

As for me, I have not been focusing on death or on how long I have left. My focus is on life and prolonging my life and health for as long as is possible. The life expectancy and response to chemotherapy very much "depends on the patient" as the doctor likes to put it. But that seems to be of paramount importance to the psychologist. What is your prognosis? He cannot understand that there is none. He would even like me to see another doctor to get a prognosis!

I have decided not to return to counselling under these circumstances. To me, these sessions have become destructive. They do not help. I want to focus on maintaining my health and improving it where possible. Like everyone else, I will die at an undetermined date in the future. It will not help me or anyone else to be told that I have three or six or even seventeen months left.

Perhaps my wakeful state can be put to rest.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

another day

​Tuesday evening. Another hot blue day with clear skies and just a hint of a breeze. The sun beats down. Just a few minutes of this on my head could cause serious sunburn. My skin is lays new, sensitive and thin. The latest addition to my wardrobe is a Panama hat. Made in China but a Panama nonetheless.

​This week, specifically Wednesday, is my week off. My week off chemo. A well deserved break and a chance to recover from some of the side effects. So this time provides an opportunity to stretch a little. To do things I don't always do. Of course the best is that (hopefully) I can avoid that fatigue. It is the fatigue that limits what I do.

​Back at home, the renovations are almost complete. The building, plumbing and tiling have all been done leaving the need for a splash of paint and a shower door. The renovations were all about adding new bathrooms to the house. A brand new bathroom in the maid's building and And indoor conversion that has resulted in a second bathroom. At last! After all these years.

​I found the building activity a little disturbing. It placed additional demands on me, and the constant activity stops me from being able to fully relax and feel completely at home, at home! I'm glad it's nearly over.

​The weather is set on a path of blue skies and high temperatures at east until the weekend. Perhaps it is time to try out our now blue and clear pool. I'm certain that swimming can only benefit me.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

another beautiful day

The sky is a deep blue. A cool breeze breaks the stillness of the air, a welcome change from the strong winds and overcast conditions of the last few days. At about 19 degrees C it is still cool, but the forecast for the next week shows clear skies with temperatures rising back into the thirties.


In the streets, the Jacaranda trees - those alien invasives! - dominate the skyline, providing a rich array of colours to brighten up the day for anyone that cares to look.


It is the Johannesburg spring, the start of the summer. A mixture of hot, clear beautiful weather interspersed with thunder showers. The overall weather pattern hasn't really changed, but the storms have generally become more violent with flooding and storm damage becoming more common.


In the midst of all this is me, enjoying the blue skies and spring weather. Talk radio 702 is broadcasting its solid gold weekend programs with songs by Michael Jackson and The Doors. I am relaxed, feeling healthy and well. Almost as if this dread disease is a fake.

Friday, November 4, 2011

No support for iPad in South Africa


I decided to give Apple a chance to resolve my blogging problem from the iPad. The issue is that no matter what browser I use, when I attempt to publish the post simply vanishes and all that I am left with is an error. The problem began after upgrading to iOS 5 the latest Mac operating system.

I tried the support route. The electronic solution was simple nonsense and had nothing to do with my problem.  The next step was to follow the link and have a consultant call me back through the express support channel. Just one problem. Only a handful of countries qualify for this. Why? Living in South Africa, the iPad is sold at a premium! There is a link for support in other countries. For South Africa, that support is limited to specific issues with the iPhone. Not very impressive if you ask me.

Now all that I can hope for is that someone from Apple will read my blog and respond. For this post, I am emailing the post to the blog. Then it should be published automatically.

... Well, the email option didn't work. That is a Google issue though. I ended up copying the post onto Google Docs then getting onto a REAL computer and posting the post from there.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

sleepless in sydenham


It is fast approaching 2:00 a.m. One of those nights. Had chemotherapy earlier and am now unable to sleep. Perhaps it has something to do with all the extra sleep I got over the last week. Now I don't need it. The reality is that it is probably the result of an overactive mind.

Yesterday we received some good news, but it was a trivial issue that got me upset and sparked the lack of sleep. Or maybe it is just one of those nights that I am destined to lie in bed sleepless for hours. I certainly do get them from time to time.

By the way, I am writing this on my Galaxy. I have already lost about five posts written on the iPad. There seems to be little chance of getting around the problem.

Feeling fine today I have another week off next week. A time for some of the side-effects to go away. Then there is our trip to Knysna in December. Something to look forward to and a great photo opportunity.

It is interesting to note that even under these somewhat trying times that life is good!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

online again

It has been a rather frantic time. Renovations, no matter how small are always disruptive. Then there is the waiting.

Back to chemo again tomorrow. The last session was Monday a week ago. I thought that I understood the pattern but with each passing week I get to understand the pattern better. The final realization is that there is no pattern. Each time, the effect may be unique. Chemo on Monday. I felt alive and energised on Monday and Tuesday. Then on Wednesday afternoon WHAM! Out for the count. Now where this is changing from previous weeks is that for much of Thursday and Friday the fatigue remained. I returned to feeling fully normal on Sunday. Well almost.

Then there is the question of side effects. There are some that I don't get and some that I do. I have intimate experience with the fatigue. I have also had extensive, itchy skin rashes from the other chemo that comes as a tablet.

But you discover more and more as you go. Just because you have been lucky enough to escape one of the primary side effects for three months doesn't mean you'll escape it next time. So when I say that I don't get nausea and vomiting (well hardly ever), it doesn't mean that I won't.

Looking forward to our holiday in December. Two and a half weeks away from everything and a nice break from the chemo. Then, I guess, its all back to normal.

My condition at present is stable. I look okay and am apparently doing well for someone with pancreas cancer.  It is all down to staying positive (well, that plays a part) or as the doctor says, "it depends on the patient".